Toxic Productivity—Ingrained And On Cruise Control
The short of it was that I was considering building another side project, hoping for that ever-elusive dream of “passive income” to finally become a reality. But the idea of doing something because I knew I could execute it, because it made sense, or because I knew it was viable, was no longer enough.
I had spent well over 6-7 years inside the side hustle culture of building and executing nonstop. Between my graphic design work (that actually pays the bills), TheNomadExperiment.com, writing, designing, and publishing a book, journals, youtube, and more, the idea of another so-so execution involving hundreds of extra hours over the following six months had caused the dam to break.
BTW. Passive income through blogging, item creation, etc., in my opinion is a complete lie, at least the way we’ve been sold it over the past 10-20 years. It’s another full-time job, with the same potential for burnout, so just don’t fool yourself. But I’ll leave that discussion for another time…
Getting outdoors is a great way to battle the hustle culture “shoulds”
Digging Deeper On My Toxic Productivity Mindset
The real problem wasn’t even putting in the work, or even whether it would be successful or not; the real problem was the question of why I would choose to do it. It ended up coming down to this ingrained “need” for me to do, to execute, to look like I’m always busy, to somehow prove to myself—and others—that I’m valid and not lazy. For lack of a better label—Toxic Productivity.
Toxic productivity is defined as a mindset that involves working excessively to the detriment of other aspects of life, such as physical and mental health. It can manifest as a need to be constantly “doing” or “producing.” Signs of toxic productivity are burnout, depression, anxiety, and other physical and emotional health consequences.
After spending some time digging deeper, it was clear that I was extremely uncomfortable with the idea of being irrelevant, or seeming lazy, or looking like I wasn’t working my ass off to earn whatever I had in my life.
Looking like I deserved and earned instead of actually taking time to enjoy the life I was attempting to build for myself.
Reading, drawing, and meditation riverside in Bansko, Bulgaria 
Being “lazy” taking in a sunset in San Cristobal, Mexico to avoid constantly being productive
What Are You So Scared Of?
If you’re still here, good on ya! But I think it’s time for the disclaimer. I’m so grateful for my life, scars and all, and I know I’m lucky to have the things and opportunities I do.
I also try to discourage myself and others from playing the comparison game. It’s important to work to be a good world citizen and attempt to do better for the world, but not to let those things overshadow the need for each of us to find what we need personally. Whether that’s with material things, or with “effort-based” ideas, or modeling someone else’s toxic productivity output.
My partner, having heard me say a couple of different ways that “I just don’t want to spend another 6 months doing nothing but work only to have another mediocre project out in the world that doesn’t feel great…or even produce,” finally asked me a question that I could never thank her enough for:
“If you’re scared of spending all that time and effort over the next 6 months with a result you won’t be happy about, what’s stopping you from just taking the time you would spend on that project and instead concentrating on enjoying the life you’ve built?”
I was once again stopped in my tracks. This time though because the idea she was presenting made so much sense. Fortunately…or unfortunately depending on how you look at it…the answer to her question of “what is stopping you” was literally… me. I was the thing that was stopping me from choosing that.
It was the uncomfortable ideas inside my mind of letting off the gas and the fears of “them” not thinking I was working hard enough.
My self-worth was somewhat wrapped up in these unrealistic expectations of what I “should” be doing with my time.
That I might be viewed as not appreciating the opportunities I had in life by working myself nonstop. Or confronting the fact that I had kind of forgotten what it felt like to not work all the time…and that scared me.
Sometimes forcing yourself to do nothing is the perfect way to battle toxic productivity 
You could give someone else the paintbrush and let them do body art on you! 
If you do let someone else draw on you…maybe clarify boundaries lol! (Or don’t, it’s more fun that way!)
If You’re Not Being Productive, You’re Just Being Lazy
My association with enjoyment and play had been programmed over the years to be akin to laziness or being spoiled or wasteful. I’ll blame my Midwestern, middle-class, “if you don’t take the overtime and overwork, you’re wasting opportunities” upbringing.
I had… no have… a really hard time balancing the ideas of working hard and taking time to enjoy the life I’m working so hard for.
Remote work and being nomadic give the freedom to work whenever I want, but that can be a slippery slope when your work hours and personal time become so intertwined that it’s hard to truly “turn off” and combat toxic productivity gremlins.
I used to literally put in my calendar blocks titled “be spontaneous,” which I’m pretty sure is exactly the opposite of what spontaneity is, lol! I can’t ignore that this is just part of who I am or was, even if I’m aware that mindset needs some updating.
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